I kind of love cleaning my ears. If you don' know what I'm talking about, then earwax is gross and I'm totally just kidding. But if you get what I mean, then read on.
I don't know if Freud ever discussed an aural stage, but I definitely went through one and it has become a latent fixation of sorts. When I swab, I don't just tease the perimeter of the antihelix. I get deep into each ear canal, double penetrating my skull, and turn slowly, counterclockwise, so I can feel the little swab fibers dragging along the nerve endings there. The sensation is so orgasmic that the motion actually cranks my head upwards, and I stare at the drooping spots in the ceiling paint that have been caused by overflowing water from the bathroom in the upstairs unit. I've actually considered conducting this ritual outside, so that I could stare at the heavens while I work, and also to spare my girlfriend the jarring experience of stumbling into the bathroom in the morning to find me with my hands in my ears and my eyes rolled back in my head, jaw occasionally dangling.
The problem with this indulgence is that, like most things that make life worth living, it can kill you (see here). Enter United States Patent 5147288. The cotton swab with depth prevention mechanism:
A cotton swab, comprising: an ear canal engaging portion of a small enough diameter to fit within and clean the inside surface of an ear canal...the ear cavity enlarging portion serving to prevent depth penetration of the ear canal engaging portion beyond a predetermined length....
Registered in 1992, the seventeen year protection on this patent is about to expire, and I urge any and all producers of cotton swabs to take note. I will be the first in line at CVS to acquire these wonders, which I have not been able to find anywhere.
6 comments:
After being scolded on the practice of deep ear swabbing by several different people whom i admire and respect in the field of ameteur medicine, I decided to abandon the comfort and titillation of the auralgasm, as I had so many simple pleasures of youth. The divorce was bittersweet. It was a necessary step for my autoerotic development and allowed me to move on to more sophisticated and mature means of self-pleasure (in a strictly Freudian sense, of course).
You're sick, man. It's time to move on.
i think that inner-ear pleasure is a pretty sophisticated fetish.
don't know if it's covered by your insurance, but a visit to the ENT doctor might raise your fetish to a whole other level. my sister just went to get her ears vacuumed.
I too have a deep ear cleaning fetish, but that pleasurable, faintly erotic tickle that deep swabbing produces is also a foolproof coughing-fit trigger for me. Whenever I clean my ears, I also cough so hard my eyes water and my nose runs.
It's intense, but I like it.
If you are looking for safe swabs - maybe not exactly like the ones you posted - the ones Im talking about look more like a spinning top - just go to the baby section of walgreens...one of the many new products that have entered my life since having a baby. Let me warn you, you will probably be frustrated, but yes, your eardrums will be safe.
I call it Eargasmic
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